As We Start Our Family Tree

To my children as we start our family tree,

I cannot begin to describe the impact you have on my life. You are the blessings sent from the divine to wake me up. You are the little life tornadoes who never let me choose the easy way out of the pain. You are the epitome of forgiveness as I made mistake after mistake as a parent. You are the comic relief that comes just when I need it. And you are the reminder of how important the small, daily life events really are.

I have been hoping for a savior since I was born. I even found myself enmeshed with several people throughout the years who I thought might make things right. But of course, they didn’t. They didn’t make things right because the only person who could do that was me. And as I look back over the past seven years, I realize that I may have been responsible for my life, but I had help. I had two little saviors who came to help me figure it out.

You haven’t heard of parental guilt because you are only seven years old. When you asked me to tell you the hardest thing in the world, I wasn’t kidding when I said ‘raising children”. You laughed and said “no way”, but one day, you might be lucky enough to understand. And I do feel guilty for the bad days, the bad decisions. So today, I am going to apologize for the parts that haven’t gone the way I hoped. But I also want you to understand that I know I did so many things right. Parenting is dualistic like that. It is never easy. And it is never black and white. It’s just worth it.

The Failing of Single Parents

When Jared Leto won an Oscar last night, I don’t think anyone was shocked.  However, his undeniably beautiful dedication to his single mother may have been surprising to some.  Why?  In our society, we have a habit of focusing on the damage that single-parented households are causing.  Research has been published that links single mothers to juvenile delinquency and lack of education.  Many articles state that single-parented households are the problem with the world today.

It is true that single parents are under-resourced.  Single-parented households struggle with supporting family activities on one income.  Similarly, families with a stay-at-home parent also struggle with one income.  However, there is a difference.  They have free childcare because someone is staying at home.  Even in the case of military families, there is an income for the family even when there is a parent missing from the family.  So, I get it.  It is harder for a single parent.  But we have to understand that the parent, who may have depleted resources, is not creating problems for us to clean up.

An Open Letter to Those Defending Woody Allen

When I read the article by Dylan Farrow, I was shocked at her bravery, honesty and resiliency.  I was surprised at how she was willing to stand up against someone who is revered by our society as a talented artist.  However, I was more shocked by those who are willing to defend Woody Allen, a man who has been accused of child sexual abuse by one adopted daughter and married the other one.  The myriad of reasons for this defense show a complete lack of understanding for the complex trauma of a child sex abuse victim.  Let’s discuss some of those reasons:

1.  She is lying because she wants attention.  As a survivor of child sex abuse, sometimes I am asked if I want to be on television or in the newspapers.  In reality, I do want to be on television or in the newspapers.  But I don’t want to talk about my childhood story of pervasive sexual abuse and trafficking.  I want be on television because I have won the Nobel Peace Prize or cured cancer.  Nobody wants to talk about being victimized, but there is a longing deep inside of a sex abuse survivor to speak the truth.  In many cases, speaking the truth may be necessary to heal from the abuse.  In some cases, speaking the truth may bring about the justice that was evasive for so long.  It is not about attention.

Losing Others, Losing Me

As I have struggled through some very dark days of trauma recovery, I have come to understand some universal laws that have helped make sense of my chaotic life.  The most basic law is that the inner child will recreate the challenges of the childhood until the challenges are resolved.  To the inner child, the perception of resolution may be very different from the adult’s logical brain.  But I have learned that the resolution can come in many forms.

For a sexual violence survivor, this law holds no more true than navigating the intimate relationships of adulthood.  Sometimes, this law is referred to as “women will always marry their father”.  But it manifests in other ways too.

This law would be easy to address if it wasn’t happening in the unconscious realm of our being.  Unfortunately, we rarely know we are recreating our childhood.  In the case of memory repression, it is worse because we don’t remember the events we are recreating.  Sounds like a losing battle, doesn’t it?

When I first reached adulthood, my self-esteem was non-existent.  I was convinced that I was not worthy of a partner who had the potential to love me or make me happy.  I was convinced of the opposite.  I was sure that the only partner for me was an abusive addict who would eventually leave.  Of course, all of these beliefs were unconscious.  In my conscious mind, I was convinced that I was deserving of a great partner.  Unfortunately, the unconscious ALWAYS wins.

Just a Kid

When I became a single mother, I knew it was going to be hard.  I knew there would be a lot of guessing, especially since I didn’t have real parents.  I knew it would be a tremendous strain on my energy, time and finances.  I knew I would want to pull out my hair.  I even knew it would be scary.  But nothing could prepare me for my relationship with my little boy.  Nothing could prepare me for the doubt, confusion and downright terror that come with raising a little boy, as a single mother, with no father-figure in his life.

I have made mistakes.  I have spent much of the past seven years learning how a little boy is supposed to act.  I don’t mean the societal norm that has been set for boys.  I mean their innate tendencies that are so critical to their positive growth … the tendencies that society suppresses.  I now understand that boys never stop moving … ever.  I get that boys want to learn with their entire body and soul.  I have come to realize that a full-fledged attack on my physical being is just another way of saying “I love you.”  I have also learned about the male bathroom etiquette.  Unfortunately, it was a little too late to avoid an embarrassing incident.  I will always have a little guilt about that.

The Dark Side

Everyone has a dark side.  Of course, some are darker than others.  My dark side is pretty dark.  Countless rapes and beatings can turn a heart cold.  I have known about my anger for many years.  I am comfortable with my anger.  I know how to express it safely.  Nobody gets hurt.  I acknowledge the anger.  And eventually, I am able to integrate those feelings.  And I feel a little more whole.

My latest memories are dark.  After 6 years of recovery work, these memories are exposing a level of rage that even surprises me.  It is definitely not my standard anger.  It is different.  I don’t feel mad.  I don’t feel anything at all.  There is no empathy and compassion.  There is no acknowledgment that others have feelings.  This rage doesn’t care if others live or die.  It is scary.  And it is probably what drives a person to murder.

Trafficked

Trafficking…

When I discuss it with others, I usually hear, “That is such a big problem in other countries.  They should really do something about it.”  Some may have read enough to know that people from other countries are brought to the United States to be sold.  They might say something like, “We should strengthen our borders and stop those smugglers.”  People are dumbfounded when I tell them that I have been trafficked.