I have spent the majority of my life in various states of anger. For the first thirty years, this anger was mainly turned inward. I didn’t have permission to express anger in my home. The retaliation might have killed me. In addition, society had taught me that it was inappropriate for girls to outwardly express anger. Instead, I just let my anger eat away at me from the inside. This anger manifested in physical diseases. I was sick most of my childhood and early adulthood. But it also caused me to hate myself. I had a deep self-hatred which triggered chronic anxiety. There was no way for me to relax and enjoy myself, or even better, create a life of joy and meaning. There was always an inner voice telling me I wasn’t good enough.
Once I started my recovery, the anger started flowing out in waves. It was so intense that it would be better described as rage. I was scared of it at first. I had seen rage in my childhood and it was usually directed at me. Plus, I had come to the conclusion that anger was bad … all the time. This is what I had been taught. But through my therapy, I learned to accept my anger, and even come to enjoy it a little too much. It seemed powerful to me at the time because I had been powerless for so long. I plotted my parents’ deaths. I visualized a killing spree of every abuser in my life. I fantasized about putting them in prison. I thought of all the statements I would say at their sentencing. I even contemplated their struggles in life after death, and I looked forward to it. I am not ashamed of this anger. It is a normal part of a recovery process.
Continue reading →