The Familiar Pain

DSC_0079

*If you are sick and tired of hearing people tell you to “put the past behind you” or “get over it” or “move on with your life already”, I want to ensure you that this is not the message of this post.

Today, I had a small epiphany. I was thinking about what life would be like if I wasn’t sad, if I no longer carried the pain with me. In that moment, I felt a twinge of sadness about not being sad. I felt grief about living life without pain. I felt fearful about living with the faith necessary to open up my life. It was as if I might be saying goodbye to a long-term relationship, a dysfunctional relationship, but a relationship nonetheless.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like the pain. I push through it. I will my way through life with gusto despite it. I want nothing more than to move past it. But I have inner parts. And I may have an inner part who isn’t ready to let go of the familiar.

There is a phrase: “the evil you know versus the evil you don’t”. I think it sums up the recovery journey well. When pain becomes familiar, letting go of that pain can cause more of it, at least at first. And recovery doesn’t feel like jumping off a cliff. It feels like jumping off multiple successive cliffs. So when faced with one more change, one more risk to take, it might feel better to go with what doesn’t feel good at all, because at least we know it. In this journey, pain may be the only thing that isn’t new.

I remember when I thought life was about creating an environment of familiarity. I thought that if nothing changed, if life was as predictable as possible, I could “survive”. I could “make it through”. I thought that was as good as life was going to get for me. I thought there was nothing more I could shoot for. If I could get through the day without a major “surprise”, it qualified as a good day.

But I have learned that this recovery journey is not about stability, familiarity and predictability. It is a rare day when I wake up without something new to consider, process or try out. And just as I get used to it, it changes. And this, apparently, is life when we choose the path of growth and recovery.

So, when I have one of those days, I can sit with my pain. I can even enjoy the familiarity of it. But then, I have to remember that the pain doesn’t have to stay forever. I can choose to feel it, let it go and move on. Of course, there will be more pain. There always is when trauma runs deep. But living in it all the time is not necessary, unless I need time with what I know.

And one day, the balance will shift. The pain will be less familiar and the freedom will be more familiar. It will bring more happiness and presence. It won’t be there all the time, but the pain will be the visitor. The pain will come, but then it will go. And that is what this journey is about. It isn’t about a momentary shift that turns our lives upside down in an instant (while that does happen). It is about moving the balance, one small change at a time, until the unfamiliar becomes the familiar, the unknown becomes the known. It is about shifting our human experience over time.

So after a while, I will know a new familiar.

And I will welcome it.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “The Familiar Pain

  1. It’s interesting for me to read this, because for me the pain is very new. I’m dissociated, and so while there was pain, I didn’t feel it. The familiar is not pain for me. And so a part of the process has been accepting that there is pain, that it’s necessary to feel it, and that there is quite a lot of it. It’s not going to go away after a few days or a week or even after six months There is so much of it, in fact, that it is almost relentless. If I don’t dissociate, it is there nearly all the time. There are hours without it, at most. I’ve had a few small accidents recently and I knew I was getting better because, oh my God, it *hurt.* Things like that had never hurt that much before. i’ve really had to fight my impatience with the pain and my wishful thinking that everything can go back to “normal” soon. Nothing is ever going to go back to “normal,” because normal was numbness.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I believe one of the most beautiful faces in life are those that you could never tell there was heartbreak and evil in their life just by looking at them or talking a while with them. They shine outward and inward. Their words you cannot resist. They pour out wisdom and kindness instead of what they have truly endured. ❤ I mean of course eventually you might hear of their 'story' but they don't make it evident. I have met people like that. And they are AMAZING!
    Imagine how many people like that we walk by everyday without even thinking about it! Because they choose to walk about in freedom. I believe they are secret hero's. 🙂 But I also believe we all can be those kind of people. Because everyone has or will go through tramas in their own life.
    I know personally for me… Having a (non- religious) relationship with God has enabled me to continue to walk in freedom. Even though at times when I am alone I don't 'feel' so strong. But God's strength is always enough.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s