I Can’t Make Me Happy

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I think all the time. I have always been overly cognitive. Inhabiting my body was not safe when I was a child. I invented a much nicer world in my head and it helped me through some horrible situations. But constant thinking is a recipe for disaster. It is easy to take small things and turn them in to big things. That’s how the brain works. It stays in charge that way.

The problem with the “brain on trauma” is the creation of problems that do not exist. The brain will take those old separated emotions and create a problem to accompany them. Then, the brain will create all sorts of approaches to resolve the non-existent problem. This overactive brain of mine has led to heavy anxiety levels and an exhaustion that reflects running a marathon a day. Continue reading

Letting It Break

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When I was growing up, I suffered all types of abuse, but I find the most difficult to overcome was the abandonment and neglect. While my abusers stayed in my life (to my dismay), they emotionally left me before I was born. They neglected me in my early life by not meeting my basic needs. So while they were still around, they were not, unless of course, they needed something from me. This feeling of abandonment was exacerbated by the bystanders who walked out of my life while I hoped they would help me.

In my adult life, I struggle to find gratitude and appreciate what I have. It seems as though the people, animals and things that matter to me the most are appreciated the least. It seems that way, but it isn’t the case. As a child, I “learned” that what mattered to me most would be taken away. In some cases, this was a result of manipulative parents who would use my favorite things against me so they could break me. They would also remove my favorite people from my life because they were dangerously close to exposing the family secrets. And their methods certainly worked. So, I developed a defense mechanism. Continue reading

All Kids Act That Way?

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I have yet to meet an honest mother who isn’t completely insecure about motherhood.  It is the hardest job on this planet.  Motherhood targets our triggers.  To put it a different way, it brings up everything that scares us to death.  For some of us, we are scared more easily than others.  Anxiety can be inhibiting when it comes to making sound parenting decisions.  But I think the most grounded mothers are insecure at some points.

From the beginning, I have been convinced I am damaging my children in every way.  I am too overprotective.  I am not watching them closely enough.  My discipline is too inconsistent.  I am not spending enough time with them.  I am not pushing them hard enough.  They are not involved in enough extra-curricular activities.  I am not feeding them right.  I am missing out on their one true calling by not embracing who they are.  I am too tired to dress up like a Disney character and run around the house with them, so they will never develop a healthy sense of self. Continue reading