My Life is Not My Own

brain trapped in cage.

I was raised by narcissists. That probably doesn’t come as a surprise. As a child, my life never belonged to me. There was no autonomy. There were no choices at all. For illustrative purposes, I will cover some of the highlights of my relationship with my parents.

I lived with a mother and a father. With two parents, the abuse was easier. Even though I had a sister, they teamed up on me when I was alone. Their tactic was to keep the balance tipped in their favor.

They were prone to frequent emotional outbursts. Rage was common. Tears were only used for manipulative purposes.

They had no interest in my needs or wants. There was no ability to listen because they were talking constantly.

Their own self-interest was always the priority.

They would disrupt my sleep schedule to have their needs met.

They would disrupt my eating schedule to have their needs met.

They had no boundaries of any kind.

There was no accurate concept of right or wrong within the walls of our house.

In every sense, my life wasn’t my own.

Twenty years later, this has left me at a loss. Adult relationships can be very challenging. I have a difficult time trusting others. I have trouble making my own needs a priority. I am not sure how to handle many emotions.

I have been working on these aspects of my life. It is slow and steady progress with triggers that become less intense with every realization. When the triggers do become too intense, I can limit my interaction with others. I have a tendency to isolate, and if things get too hard, I can take a break from the interpersonal world around me. While it is easy to criticize myself when I isolate, I do believe this coping mechanism is beneficial because I can take control of the pace of my recovery. And I haven’t always been able to take control of the interactions in my life.

I wish I could say that the challenge ended there. It doesn’t. There is one area of my life where there is no break. I cannot escape. And making relational mistakes is incredibly impactful. It won’t just impact the present moment. It will impact the rest of my life. And this area is parenting.

In parenting, the triggers are everywhere. There is no day without a reminder from my past. The similarities are endless. Here are some highlights of my relationship with my children.

I live with boy/girl twins. If there is something they both want, they team up on me. The balance can appear to be tipped in their favor.

They are prone to frequent emotional outbursts. Tantrums are common. Tears are too.

Their own self-interest is always the priority.

They disrupt my sleep schedule to have their needs met.

They disrupt my eating schedule to have their needs met.

When they were younger, they had no boundaries.

When they were younger, they had no accurate concept of right or wrong.

In every sense, my life is not my own.

Before you nominate me for the worst-parent-of-the-year award, I want to assure you of one thing. I understand that this is how children are supposed to act. Children are not born with empathy and they should not be. Children are born with a need to survive and they do not have the ability to make that happen on their own. Children are supposed to be emotional. Children are supposed to disrupt my schedule. And for the first few years, they don’t have boundaries. They are still learning that they are separate from others. I understand that my children are acting as they should. I understand that my parents did not act as they should. The fact that there are far too many similarities has nothing to do with my children.

I also know that most parents feel as though their life is not their own. That feeling is common and understandable. They can’t do whatever they want. But there’s a difference. For most parents, those feelings don’t trigger a traumatic response. And trauma isn’t logical. When my children act like my parents, the triggers are there. I feel trapped. I feel scared. I feel confused. I am reacting to a stream of uneasy feelings that flows underneath the surface of my everyday activities, a feeling that I am not free, not in control, not owning my life.

Sometimes, during those guilt-ridden moments where I have yelled a little too loud or set boundaries inconsistently, I struggle to reconcile the past seven years. I wish that I could have embarked on my recovery journey before I had children. I wish I could have been a healthier parent the moment they were born. At the same time, I know that my children are responsible for my recovery. I would have found ways to escape the painful triggers if I was not a parent. I know this because I had always escaped them before my children were born. My intense recovery work would not have happened without the constant triggers of my childhood memories.

And so I work to transcend my traumatic reaction to the similarities of my past and present so that I can feel free to live my life and love my children. I work to take back that ownership of my life. I try to build the inner knowing that my life can only be owned by me. I try to remember that I am not back in my old life where I could not escape. I try to see the choices I have before me today. I try to sit in my own power to make my life, our life, what I have always wanted. And I hope it is enough to change my perspective. I hope it is enough to break the cycle. I hope it is enough to give my children a different relationship with the life around them. I hope it is enough.

Advertisements

18 thoughts on “My Life is Not My Own

  1. Uh oh. I think you may have uncovered another layer. .except our kids are already grown.
    You are brave. Thank you for sharing your story and insights to help others.

    Like

  2. Do you know how much I admire you? You are such a strong and courageous woman. There’s a saying – “Do your best with what you’ve been given”, but you refuse to be limited in the love you give despite the lack of it you had from your parents. I do not have children yet, but your example is one I want to follow. I don’t believe that children need perfect parents – I believe they need parents who know their own shortcomings (I hate that word but couldn’t think of a substitute) and do their best to overcome those. You show that quality in every post you write. I think that those of us who have been abused try desperately to be fair, because at one time we knew that hopeless despair of the unfairness of our situations. I think that at times we can be so focused on NOT being the monster that was our abuser that we lose sight of the good that is in us. It is the GOOD that I see in YOU.

    Thank you for being so brave in sharing your story and experiences. You remind me that I am not alone, and that I have strength and bravery within me every time I read a post. It is a gift. Thank you.

    Like

    • Thank you so much for your beautiful, heart-felt validation of my writing. It means so much when I hear from other survivors because you are why I continue to push the limits of my vulnerability in my writing. You are the reason I take chances and say what needs to be said. Thank you.

      Like

  3. Parenting really triggers me too!!! They are so stinking selfish and unpredictable sometimes. I hear you. I love them to the moon and back but they are a major trigger

    Like

  4. Elisabeth, what a powerful testimony. As I read your post, this line caught my eye: “I try to see the choices I have before me today.” For me, living in today has been a pillar of my recovery. Today is beautiful and you seem to have such a personal grasp of it. As I read, I got the powerful sense of you moving forward, moving on, making progress, albeit slow and steady. Realizing you will falter sometimes, but picking yourself back up and moving forward. Thank you for sharing. This has been encouraging to me. God bless you.

    Like

  5. Beautiful. As always, you have described my struggle as a parent so eloquently. My abusers were not family and yet my children bring out those triggers in me too! Parenting has been the hardest and most exposing experience. I hear you and I feel you. And, I also know it was my kids who were the bottom line for me when I wanted to run, quit, hide, die – anything except deal with this pain anymore. I couldn’t do any of those – I had these 2 (now 3) little faces looking intently at me for all the things I couldn’t even figure out for myself. So, we dug in and figured them out. Some went well and others, well, not so much. I pray God covers my many mistakes with His grace and heals my kids of the hurt I caused them by not knowing how to be human much less how to parent. God bless you and your kids too! We all need that grace!

    Like

  6. You are so brilliant in the way you outline the reality of parenting after trauma. And so human, heartfelt, open that you allow us all to remember that there is so much hope, in every new moment. Your ability to express all of this in your writing is a tremendous gift and I am so glad you are blessing the world with it. I’m grateful for myself, and all those I will share you with!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s